Can a guy and a girl ever just be friends?
This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. At the moment there is a lot of drama going on within my group of girlfriends and in order to try and limit my exposure /role in it, I’ve been trying to spend more time with the guys in my life.
When I was younger I had quite a few guy friends. I’d meet guys at activities I was involved in or in class and I wouldn’t have any interest in them other than friendship. I would also have considered myself friends with my friend’s boyfriends, or guys that were interested in pursuing a relationship with friends of mine.
But then there are the guys that started off as friends and turned into something more. Or the guys I thought I was friends with because they were somehow involved with my girlfriends and it turned out that after that relationship ended, my friendship with them ended as well. Or guys I’d start out dating that would somehow turn into friends.
So now I’m stuck. Is there such a thing as an honest, platonic friendship between a guy and a girl?
When I met my now ex-boyfriend, we skipped the friendship stage. The very first time we met, I knew we weren’t going to be friends that I wanted more than that (and so did he). As we dated however, he became not only my boyfriend but my best friend. Being in a relationship (a serious one) led to further questioning…..how do you have friends that are guys when you’re in a relationship? Is that possible? My ex did not particularly dislike most of my guy friends however somehow being in a relationship put a strain on those friendships. There were rules. And even though my ex wanted me to be friendly with his guy friends it was clear that there were boundaries.
Now that I’m single (and ready to mingle) the question of friendship with males has come up again. Since I’m on the market (so to speak), can I have guy friends? Is it possible that when I spend time with my guy friends they are either considering me as potentially something more, or that I will begin to consider them for a more important role in my life?
At the moment I have a few guy friends that I’m in different stages of a relationship with.
For example, I have a close guy friend (BB) that I’ve known since I was seventeen. He really helped me get through my breakup with my ex by always being there to listen and support me. Over time, it has become clear that he has stronger feelings for me. We recently ended up spending a great deal of time together and he admitted to having these feelings. At the time I was pretty surprised and didn’t know where I stood so we agreed that we would remain friends for now, but would consider building a relationship in the future if I got myself sorted out and it became feasible.
Then there is Matt. I met him through work, and initially didn’t have any attraction to him (even though he is good-looking). He needed help with a project that would enhance his career (and in turn provide me with a great reference) so our friendship was built on that. Matt is a bit older than me, but has an immature sense of humour. He has always made very flirtatious jokes and comments to me but recently we have begun to spend time together socially. I didn’t want to read too much into his flirting (because he also happens to be married) but a mutual acquaintance recently mentioned that Matt’s marriage has been in trouble for awhile and that he was under the impression that there was possibly something going on between us. I like Matt and would be interested in pursuing a relationship with him however; I am not the type of girl to get involved with someone that is married.
Shortly after I broke up with my ex, this guy Ben asked me out. I told him that I thought it might be kind of soon, but I agreed to go because he is a great guy. We ended up getting along really well, and it turned out we wanted the same things in life. Ben really liked me, and I know he wanted us to date so for a while we would go out about once a week. But things were really unclear with Ben because he has a very demanding job and he struggled with work/life balance. During this time, he never called me his girlfriend even though we would go on dates and he had introduced me to his friends and family. This went on for a few months, and I didn’t push the relationship because I had sort of accepted that I’d rather be friends with Ben, than be his girlfriend. Eventually he became very stressed out at work and I was able to bring up the fact that I thought we would make better friends than we would a couple. Ben was upset but seemed to understand and now we’re working on being friends.
The final friendship I want to mention is Shane. Shane and I met at a summer job I had several years ago. At the time he was interested in a girl that I was kind of friends with. She didn’t treat him very well and he used to come to me for advice. We weren’t especially close so when I left the job at the end of the summer, I was surprised when he gave me a card and a going-away gift (a lite-brite set I’d mentioned that I’d had as a kid). This was before Facebook was socially dominant so we didn’t really keep in touch after I left. About a year later, Shane called me and asked if I’d meet him at the fair. I was dating my ex at the time and I thought it was kind of awkward that a guy I hardly knew wanted to hang out with me. Being young (20), and immature, I didn’t ask what the purpose of hanging out at the fair was, and when I told my ex, he assumed it was an open invitation so we both went. Luckily Shane had other friends there so it wasn’t like a third-wheel kind of situation. After that, I’d get a text or call from Shane 2 or 3 times a year asking me to hang out. I have never known what to think about this friendship because Shane is super shy and it’s extremely unclear whether he’s interested in me as a friend or as something more. Since my breakup, Shane and I have been hanging out more, but every time we hang out I am left more unsure whether he likes me or is just a really nice guy and a good friend.
The relationships I have with other guys aren’t as complicated and are more platonic, but these four guys leave me wondering…….can a guy and girl ever just be friends?
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